Betrayal

Oh hi. I’ll have to make bulalas my sama ng loob here.

 It’s been a roller coaster ride this year.

So, before I post my year-end blog. I just want to blog about what is going on with me lately. I am a mess. I am hurt. BIGTIME! Yung feeling na tinraydor ka ng lahat ng pinagkakatiwalaan mo. Ugh, What did I do to deserve this. @@ Okay.. Lemme begin with how I figured things out. It was a Tuesday afternoon. I was having dysmenorrhea so I went to the clinic and ask for medicine. Then the nurse said that I’ll have to eat first before I drink the med. So I did. When I was at the caf, I saw a friend. I was shocked, because I haven’t seen her for YEARS. So we had a little chat blab la blab la bla. Until she said something that totally broke my heart.

Everybody knows that I love HIM so much. I mean, everyone knows we were an item back then. They knew that Wilbur and I are pretty much friends after the break up. If you have read my previous blogs at http://itsus-themarjorie.blogspot.com/ you’ll know. So yeah, our relationship is.. I just cant explain it. It’s something that’s there forever. It is something that would really last. US, Friends. We were important to each other And I.. I trusted him so so so much! And I did. I trusted him because of all the things that we’ve been through, because I love him still.

And I have this girl friend, I met her in school. She’s nice. And FUN to be with. In fact, we became super close, like sisters. We do things together. I share tons of things with her too. I tell stuffs to her about my, family, my emotions, and of course my love for my EX, who is still my friend now. And Im pretty much contented and happy that I have her even though I don’t have a “LOVELIFE” I wasn’t bored. She really was fun to be with. And this girl that I really love, became really close to my heart. And I just… trusted her also. I did.  Truly did. God knows I did.

                (This is going to be a long blog. Brace yourselves my imaginary readers)

                So this girl friend of mine and my ex met each other. Also I introduced her to a couple of my friends in high school too. So yeah, we became pretty close. We hang out every now and then. AS IN! SUPER. I just had so much fun. But then, things got complicated with in the barkada. Something happened. I had my mistake too. But I tried to patch things up. But everything’s changed. Everyone became awkward with me. And I suddenly didn’t understand what was going on. And that girl friend of mine suddenly changed her treatment towards me. And I started to dislike her. I slowly figured her attitude, and I sort of did not like it. And our attitudes clash. And, I admit, I started to hate her already. But then, I denied the hate and said to myself that maybe I was just over reacting and maybe it was my mistake. But then she slowly boxed me out of the group. I don’t know if she was the only one who was doing that, or all of them suddenly had a problem with me. So yeah, we were four in the group. But then suddenly, she doesn’t text me anymore, or asks me where I was. And they were all together and I was.. Ugh. Alone. I noticed that somehow they were trying to keep something from me.  So I kept my distance I didn’t push myself to them. I kept myself busy and did the things that I needed to do. I met new friends too. God helped me every step of the way. I started to accept that things would never be the same again, that I would never be friends with her again, and I just have to deal with this. I just have to be civilized. Though I was hurt badly, I kept myself intact. I kept myself contained. And God knows how much I was hurt badly. More than everything I felt abandoned.

                But! I started to make friends with others too. I had my rainbow girls, and our demolay brothers. We hang out too. Especially during the Ateneo fiesta, we had our booth, and we worked as a team which drew us even more closer as brothers and sisters. So yeah, it pretty much covered the pain. And I eventually let it go. Me, her, our friendship, everything I just let it go. And I was contented with what I have at the moment. My rainbow girls, my new found brothers, and Wilbur. Of course my family was also in, also Wilbur’s family. I love them! AND! Above all, I had God. So yeah, that was pretty much it. I GUESS….           

                BUT THEN, That faithful Tuesday afternoon, someone told me something that I never expect would happen. Something that was impossible to happen. It was impossible FOR ME. Because I TRUSTED  them, because I was to stupid. They failed me.

“Oh my ---, Marj, Im sory, I thought you knew”

“huh?”

“Guys, she doesn’t know.”

                And I was like, WHAT?!?! So lahat ng mga suspetcha ko totoo? LAHAT NG EVIDENCE was pointing to that! Yung suddenly magkasama na sila. Ung masyado silang close, ung… moments na napapansin ko na, pero dineny ko kase, sabi ko, masyado lang ako nagseselos or paranoid lang ako. And aside from break na naman kame, I trusted THEM. I said to myself pa nga, “Marjj, kalma, impossibleng mangyari yang iniisip mo, kase ndi yan nila magagawa sayo, bestfriend mo yan, alam nea lahat ng pinagdaanan ninyo ni wilbur, alam neang mahal mo pa si Wilbur, at higit sa lahat, mahal ka nean. Di nya magagawa yan sayo. At si Wilbur din, mapagkakatiwalaan mo yan. Mahal ka nean, at ayaw na ayaw ka nean saktan. Besides, my prinsipyo yang taong yan, at di nya rin type ang bestfriend mo! Wag kang OA, napakababa naman ng tingin mo sakanila kung magiisip ka ng ganyan. Umayos ka! Im-po-ssi-ble! Okay?” Kaya I ignored all the signs, and I let it pass me. Ung mga nagsasama sila ung nakahiga na sya sa lap ni Wilbur, ung nag hug sila sa harap ko. WEW! All I thought was wala lang yon. Damn, everytime naaalala ko, it kills me inside. Damn! @@ Ang sakit. I ignored everything because I trusted them. I was stupid! And it hurt so much! The moment I knew it, my heart was shattered into pieces again. AS IN! MMMMMASAKIT! It was like, tama ka pala Marjj. All along your suspicions was right. But you ignored them, all because you trusted them! HAYYYY! Bien dwele! @@  

                And now, it’s so hard to forget. It’s like ang sakit e. I comes so sudden kase, when I’m doing nothing, bigla king maaalala. Tapos mapapaiyak ang ako. Grabe, I just didn’t expect this from them. Knowing na alam na din pala nag buong barkada but no one had the guts to tell it to me. Bien dwele. -_____- L Then Wilbur and I had a conversation, we talked and he apologized. Sincerely apologized. And tears were all over the place, I can’t help but cry tlaga e. Ang sakit lang. OA na kung OA, perooooo.. Ang sakit lang e. Okayy. I know it’s easier to forgive than to forget. And it’s going to take a long long time for me to be able to remember it and yet not get hurt. It’s going to take a long time for me to be able to move on from this. And it’s going to take a long time to rebuild that trust that I had for Wilbur. The pain will eventually go away. The cut will eventually turn into a scar, symbolizing the pain that was once there.

                It will be a long process of healing. 

                I will be okay, just not today. I will be okay, sooner. 

                I pray to God that He will give me the strength to forgive and move on. I know that he has plans for me. And these plans are for my betterment. So I will not question Him. I will surrender everything to him. He knows that more than anybody else does. 

@MissMarjj